Never Again
by dragonprincess1988
Summary: Raph doesn't want to let anyone control him ever again. *Note: Possible spoilers for S4E4 (The Outlaw Armaggon) *Thanks to Grungekitty for the idea.


He can feel himself slowly slipping away. The machine trying to take over and wipe out his thoughts, but he won't let it. He has to fight. He won't give away control that easily…not again…not like he did with the brain worm. He won't let someone else have control over him ever again. Raph has endured that once before, and he promised himself that he would never do it again. He's stronger than that…he has to be stronger than that. His family needs him, and he can't let them down…not again. He's already done it once before, and this time there's no one to bring him back to himself, because this time his brothers are right there with him.

Raph desperately tries to fight. He calls out to the others to do the same, because if one of them can get free, then they all can. Raph has to believe that, if for no other reason, than to keep his sanity. He remembers what Master Splinter taught him. There's always hope, and there's nothing more in the world more human than hope. If he can keep that part of himself, then the machine can't take over, because machines can't feel.

He can hear his brothers and friends beside him giving into despair. Raph wants so desperately to scream out to them, and remind them that they can't do that - to despair is to let the machine win - but he's using all of his will power and all of his focus to keep from losing himself. The machine whispers to him in a soft mechanical voice, telling him about how much easier it would be to just let it take over. There would be no more pain, no more worry, nor guilt, nor anger, nor fear, but, most importantly, there would be no more insecurities. He could finally be at peace, knowing that failure is no longer an option. He can finally be good enough, because he'll finally be perfect. Machines can't be imperfect, because machines, by their very definition, are perfection.

Raph tries not to listen, attempts to keep the temptation at bay with thoughts of love, and warmth, and home, but he hasn't been able to think about any of those things without feeling an agonizing pain rip through him for a long time now. Every time the mere thought of any of those things passes through his mind, all he can see is Master Splinter being run through by Shredder's blades before the Earth is torn apart before his very eyes. He can't even think of the lair without the sensation of stinging defeat following swiftly behind, consuming him completely in both bereavement and rage. He dreams fitfully nearly every night, because every time he closes his eyes for a single moment the crushing weight of potential failure invades his mind. Raph knows all too well the likeliness that they will never be able to save Earth, but, beyond the doubt of their success, Raph fears that even if they do somehow manage to save Earth, they'll still have Master Splinter take away from them.

He doesn't think he can handle that again. He doesn't know how he'll ever be expected to deal with losing his father - not once, not twice, but three times. At this point, Raph isn't sure what would be worse, regaining Master Splinter, only to lose him again later, or never getting him back in the first place. The machine whispers to him once again, telling him that it doesn't matter…that if he simply lets go, then he'll never have to endure any type of pain again, least of all loss.

Raph considers that for a moment. It's a betrayal, of course. It's a betrayal against himself, against his brothers, against his friends, against his sensei and everything that he taught them, and yet, still, Raph considers the machine's offer, anyway. He's lost too much. He's lost his best friend. It doesn't matter that if they succeed Slash will be alive again, because it's hardly the same. He can't talk to Slash the way that he used to talk to Spike. It doesn't feel right. Not after the fact that Slash used the knowledge Raph gave him to hurt his brothers, even if it was just due to the mutagen and his transformation. Raph can't be responsible for his family's pain again. He lost his sensei, his father, more than once. He's lost his home again, but this time instead of simply losing the lair, he's lost the entire Earth.

His brothers and friends are giving in. In fact, he can't even hear them fighting anymore, so he's fairly certain that he's lost them now too. He can't take anymore loss. Raph doesn't know how to survive it. In fact, he doesn't necessarily even see a point to surviving it. However, just as he's about to give in and let the machine win, he hits the ground, hard. He scrambles to his feet as he glances around, only to see his brothers and friends stand up, as well, ready to fight. He growls as he gets into a ready position too. His family doesn't need to know how close he came to giving in. They're still here, and they're still fighting, so he will too, because, as long as his brothers are with him, Raph will always find a reason to keep going, keep trying, and keep fighting.

The End


End file.
